The Healing Diaries

beyond today.. just get through the hardness the coldness the distance just today and there's silence doors that push us away it's the same as it was and it's getting thicker the air is stuffy it's mixing in with all the old air of yesterday everyone alone in their caves

I have written pains and nights long upon the hours of quietness and they did not satisfy me  nor did they relieve me and in those moments I remember the deep dark as I was in a storm cloud with the lightning igniting my flesh to wrestle and to squirm in a day i have enveloped the nights composes and sung drudgery among the silences; yet they have lasted into more and i plummet into  scathing thoughts... where could ever be the relief in a space in time when the space is long and the darkness is all the time that even the day seems to withhold the sun the soul cries with a tiny seeping of light through the cracked black wall,  there could be   a hope of a sunrise  

the opening of my understanding has expanded upon vast skies where I learn the thing that has become a complexity of true reliance upon You and not how I will feel, You said it, You will do it because You have promised and that is all I need to know what more can I do, but to trust what can this human do, when there is God

I can barely know my thoughts they runaway quickly and this morning all I really need is some words to make a prayer that is sincere that is coming from the depths and it doesn't have to sound eloquent and it doesn't have to be long to get His attention because I know He knows all that I am I just need to tell Him I just need to cry I just need to lay it down if the words could just speak...

Just what am I doing here as I am pressed to tell you.. and the lump in my throat is growing... I cannot cover the gray anymore, no, not this time I've worn out these words in my mind they have said enough, but what do I say? where does it begin?

my heart lies; a monument of deception. I have felt the pull of their whispering, the mixture of voices screaming my flesh to arise and the spirit grows silent in the midst who shall win who shall takeover I have groan to find out but my soul cannot move their feet towards the victory my heart must be broken and the Hand must break it and flow out the confessions and cries I long to press toward the breaking the cutting through the thickness of mire these words as knives dissecting me knowing me for i cannot know the depth I cannot see upon the moment of all that has turned shadowy i have only to wait while through to be where the deliverance will greet me

Dear Heavenly Father, How can this sound sincere unlike the prayers I have tried to say, they did not seem my spirit was in them. Please forgive me for my presumption and my complacency, oh should there be another word that means more than that, I would confess it, for I am a worm. I see so much the error and the more I see it the more I do it, I am the sheep that has gone astray I have turned everyone to their own way and Lord, I am helpless, I am weak.  I remember your promise of ‘rest’ that your burden is light and your yoke is easy. I have squandered in my own selfishness and I am disgusted with myself, but I am a sinful person, I am a sinner and I want to be revived from this stupor that I am in.  Let me not delight in indifference Father, cause me to be who you want me to be, to go and do what you want me to do, to love who you want me to love, to care for those who you want me to care for, to forgive all.  Such warring of my soul I cannot bear, the tug of the s...