The Healing Diaries

Nothing in letters forms as words and in the void of stillness I am faced with familiar faces just now with a different view

If I could spread the length of this thought to the height of heaven I would see the vast questions Reverberating Through days I could not live The answers swirl disarray In the wonder of uncertainty Which truth lies in the spaces Where You are.

The repeated day One of war and labored breath And I am not the words I Say Words that spring themselves Out of decay and impulse They say too much And the rest of me Sinks in the rendering of the end; My brain musters memories Of questionable victories And they were true I could claim But this day Of no sign of smiles and patience from the stands  I must ponder reasons The why and purpose

How this will settle and find sense I leave with You For Your word rushes in To rake me, break me up To build me... There is nothing left to figure Nothing to do but to Accept You entirely and Abandon myself to die a death that seeks not to live again For Your love will keep me there For Your love compels me to Follow Let me follow Let me die

The clock began a promising venture With hopes of smooth steps to fill Though there arose obscure events Tugging at my desire to unleash fleshy responses I failed to contain and withhold And forgot my stance as one dead and buried Though i decided to rise again Collecting guilt and shame Only to be at my bed with regret Asking for a clearing away Pleading to be someone who isnt who She was today

My mind asks of words To give to you as a prayer you will accept How i am still in the realm of sluggish clouds Awaken me to live Awaken my heart to praise And rejoice Even when feelings a plague of doubts Come to deceive You are still the same And i will thank you for Being my God Who loves me even in this way

The same time, a new day... And i begin like everyday; I wonder and fret over the affairs That have not yet lived. But it is me who sits here, Who lives and needs Who looks up toward heaven And longs for the heart of God. Yesterday has been The ten minutes upon waking has been So now it begins again and i am Aware of my frailty I am aware of who i am A creation of my Creator A daughter of my Father A servant of my King A sinner before her Savior

My soul wrestles again To grasp you How my thoughts share their Discourse and i am like From the beginning Frail And breakable My steps waver like in a dance To and fro i regress and move forward I will not dictate your power upon me But with thy Grace accept the battle Help me bear The struggle to leap over this wall With thy hand Never let me let go

We all have been a broken thing we all have gone astray  winds blown too hard against our pride we understand more the tears than actual words we understand the pain more than relief and just for awhile... the peace comes in the silence in the solitude of You after the rain has poured and we only knew it until after the storm the settled waters ripple their song of once upon a time of their restlessness and they are thankful to know the difference

this could be for you murmurings of my slow beating heart I'm sure you hear the breaking you see the seams tearing apart the leaking of faith how it's easy to let you go I don't want to I don't desire me to let go i can thank you just because i know i can't ever lift myself up Only you can Only You are the Hands that reach into me Your hands that can soothe the restlessness and I let You I let You take everything

There are days in between the nights for each darkness there is for each, hope how long I've asked will the night season take its turn upon me and leave the silence a moments long sigh my eyes could not see passed nor my heart feel the ending..... though they came each time and they remind in disparaging nights even now, as the days will say the night will come there are Sunrises of different colors in different seasons a light which makes my soul rise from the doubting dark a hope of mornings, the beginnings of refreshed grace The Son Rises and then I know.... hopes lasting promise

The fighting is done my breath is labored and I come to know I come to accept this broken picture is crumbling the piece of my heart that agrees the self hate, the wall of pride I have built to keep me safe I agree.... and I am not going to fight You anymore, there's nothing in me anymore...

Yes I think this is how it is to be human... nothing is as it seems I am stripped of the hypocrisy from Your gaze and you see through the failures, the mistakes the insecurity what I am worth.... I know you can see this flesh and blood nothing more than vulnerable perishable skin nothing here could ever withstand the blows of life the voices that keep me hating myself so I am just here needing Your warm embrace

My Psalm David screamed his pain He wrote songs of heartache and of joy He pleaded for the silence to be broken and fell to his knees to get through to bear the noise of blame, accusations of the mistakes he made... He reached to Heaven and found a Sunrise midst the darkness He looked to God..... My inhale trembles as I feel the tears coming.... waves of them toss my soul about where defeat seems to be the only refuge there are only aches and pains left crouching down I can no longer stand I'm holding the edge of that thread I am about to break and I think that's where I need to be if that is how I could surrender if that is how I can lean on You if that is how I learn to trust in you let me break let me break before You and in Your presence I will fall on the ground and ask You to do whatever it takes to save me from myself calm the fears and just let You hold me now