My Psalm

Through the way of Pain

A blue night with mist of light

Outlines a path in the middle of the dark hours….

They are long as the moon gazes down,

A brightness not too much to bear.

Through the wilderness trees that are tall and overbearing

I look up and wait to see them fall,

Even through my tread and slow step

I believe in a Hand that will clear the path

And soon as the blue night has kept me wondering

The dawn will come and it will be clear and it will be bright

I wonder how much writing it would take to get to a point where I know just what is being pulled out of me and what needs to be healed.  I am afraid of what I will be faced with.  After years of burying pieces of me in lies, God takes me on this path of healing and with His tenderness and love He holds my hand through it all.  Finally God is allowed to work it out only because I choose Him to and I know His biggest desire is to heal me from all the pain.  This is not a story of coming out of homosexuality; it is a story of brokenness.  There are many versions of my story that I have written, all centering around being inwardly gay, but I believe now, there are many things that have caused me to go in that direction.  And I know with all my heart, that God wants us to get it, to witness Him putting things together and understand the ‘whys’ in addition to believing He can mend and heal, and it is Him alone that can do it.  There is so much clarity when we understand why we are who we are.  When we do, we understand more and fall in love with the concept that our true identity lies in the truth of Christ.  And what’s so amazing is that God wants to restore us back to the way it was in the Garden of Eden, where we are not afraid to be with God.  The shame, the nakedness, the fear have caused humanity to believe such twisted things about ourselves, that we are too broken and messed up to be fixed.  As young as I can remember, I thought of myself as so insignificant.  It became a plague and a handicap.  So many fears controlled my behavior.  In high school I thought it to be cool to call myself as a misfit.  I was told that I didn’t know how to talk and that opinion shaped my view of myself.  I really believed that I couldn’t.  My tongue became skeptical and in attempts to sound my thoughts, a mess of slurs and jumbled words would spill out confirming that opinion to be ultimately true.  So silence was a friend of mine for many lonely years and eventually I started to write my feelings out.  There were many times where I rebelled against that and with only select friends I was this boisterous and humorous person, but in many situations I would crumble in the defeat of fear to say anything.  Realizing now how in a lot of ways, those were coping mechanisms to cover the real shame that I felt.  And that is why I am writing this.  I want to understand why.  In the bible it says that a broken spirit dries up the bones and fear has torment.  When you’re fearful and your spirit is broken, you are effected in all aspects; mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  In this world many are fearful of outward things that may harm them, like crime, drugs, terrorism, but for me and I am sure for many others, the thing that could be feared the most is the mind and the thoughts it produces.  These fears, whatever they are, whether they are of not telling your family that you think you’re gay, or of saying anything that will brand you of the lies that were told of you, have their impact eventually.  With being homophobic and being inwardly gay at the same time caused me to seek and pursue it.  And I did, for three years.  I sigh thinking that most of my life what I thought I was could be summed up in three lonely years, only to fall ill with an autoimmune disease called Systemic Lupus.  I often wondered why I got Lupus.  There are many possibilities.  But I know as a whole, we cannot function properly and healthfully if our spirit is broken.  Our mind can really send messages to our body and our body will store all the negativity and later the effects will manifest.  My body manifested all the stored up pain and emotional torture in this debilitating disease.  As I write it may seem this is such a sad story, but I don’t think so, it’s a beautiful story for God is taking me and I wouldn’t be writing this if it wasn’t because of Him.  I sense a revealing an uncovering of my heart and oftentimes I find myself crying for no reason and I know He is causing things to be released.  Through the way of pain, is where I can heal.  And today, I let it go again, I give up my will, my pain, my weakness, my insecurities, my fears, my disease into His hands, for He is my maker and I trust that because He is creator He can take this all and replace each one with His perfect fruits.  I trust Him because He loves me.